It’s been a mixed week

My brain is cluttered

When I was trying to decide what to write about this week, I struggled. I had a lot of things to talk about, but didn’t know if I could write a whole post on just one thing. My mind feels cluttered. Maybe it’s my autism, or the possible ADHD that I haven’t fully explored yet.

So, I decided to write about my week so far. I’m writing this on Wednesday, so who knows what else might have happened by the time it goes live on Friday?

I co-headlined a spoken word night on Monday with my husband, Andy. The tram journey was how I imagine hell would be, overcrowded and with nowhere to escape to.

Luckily, we stopped to get food before going to the spoken word night, and I had time to calm down a little.

Some people had come to watch us. Well, technically, they were there more to see Andy rather than me, but I still felt I had to be more sociable than I would normally be. I thought I was doing okay at the time. Even reading two difficult poems as part of my set didn’t feel that bad once it was over. I also found out a few minutes before the night started that I’ve had a short story accepted and will be paid $200. So, I felt quite happy on the way home.

Then, on Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling like I had gone nine rounds with a polar bear. It was like the worst hangover, except I had only been drinking Diet Coke.

I had my weekly group job coaching session for autistic job seekers. It was online, so I figured it wouldn’t be too bad. This was the week the coach decided to put us into breakout rooms. I thought I was doing well by telling her that I had pushed myself too much the previous day and wasn’t up to it. She said that was fine, and I didn’t have to go in a breakout room. Then, twenty minutes later, she put me in a breakout room, and I was too exhausted to advocate for myself anymore.

I ended up with two others and none of us were talking. It was only for three minutes, but felt like much longer as we just alternated between staring at each other and looking away awkwardly. I ended up turning my camera off and didn’t feel able to focus or contribute to the rest of the session after that. I guess I thought that would be the place where I would be understood and listened to. And if I won’t be listened to when I say I physically can’t do something right now, in a group specifically for autistic people, what hope do I have of any future employers listening and taking me seriously?

As I was exhausted, I decided to treat myself to a takeaway pizza on Tuesday evening, and even though I was still exhausted, I felt a little better by the time I went to bed early.

Then, I got up at 3am and saw that someone I had only talked to on social media a couple of times had passed away. It upset me a lot for someone I barely knew, and I felt stupid for crying about it several times.

Right now, I just want to climb back into bed and stay there, but my brain keeps reminding me of everything I need to do, and I’d feel worse about not doing any of it.