Autism and Suicide

Trigger warnings: Talk about suicidal thoughts and attempts

Recently, I learned that an autistic man in my network came close to committing suicide over Christmas. I won’t go into too many details, because it’s not my story to tell. It got me thinking though.

We don’t talk about suicidal thoughts and actions often enough. I think I’ve said this several times before, but it makes sense to remind people reading; I’m not an expert on any of this. I just have some lived experiences and my own thoughts and views that others may or may not share.

When I was in my teens and twenties and made attempts to end my own life, I had nobody to talk to. My family weren’t the sort of people to talk about feelings, so I felt I had to be the same way. That eventually led me to thinking my only option was to not be here anymore.

I don’t have a time machine, so I can’t go back. Even if I could, there’s nothing I could do to change how I was brought up. So, I’ll never know if having a different upbringing would have made things better. I suspect it would though.

Many of the autistic people I’ve met since seem to have experienced some kind of trauma and/or being stigmatised. I can only think of a couple of people who weren’t, and from what I know, they had a supportive and encouraging family or other people who were there for them.

Anyway, I wonder if some people think that by opening up about feeling suicidal, the person considering it will be more likely to go through with it. Or maybe it’s just so far from neurotypical small talk that people would prefer we all stick to talking about meaningless things like the weather or how we’re okay, even when we’re not.

The person I mentioned earlier was talked out of taking his own life, but if we were able to talk to someone before things get that far, maybe he wouldn’t have felt the need to get as far as he did. This could have been a very different article and I’m sure if it was, his friends and family would have said they had no idea how he felt and they didn’t see the signs, or wondered why he didn’t come to them for help. It’s easy to say all of these things when it’s too late.

Another thing I’ve also mentioned before is suicide ideation, where even though I wasn’t actively trying to end my own life anymore, When I was younger, I often thought about and hoped that I would die. Again, I had nobody to talk to.

I’m not saying there’s one easy solution to feeling suicidal or wanting to die of more natural causes. I know it’s more complicated than that. But treating it like a dirty secret that we should be ashamed of can only make things worse.

I know people can see or hear the ‘S’ word and jump to conclusions. So, I want to assure anyone reading this, I’m not currently suicidal. I can’t say how I’ll feel months or years from now. Nobody can.

I hope that if anyone reads this and is having these types of thoughts, they will contact me if they feel they have nobody else. It doesn’t matter if I don’t know you, or if I don’t know the right thing to say, if such a thing exists. I’d rather listen to (or read) whatever you need to say if that helps you, than to learn of your suicide or attempt afterwards.